If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He passed out mid-signature
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
