Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
