Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
