i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
