I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
