he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
