I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
