hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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