as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
