I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Too much gin, very little bucket
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
