What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
