If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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