Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
