And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
