get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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