wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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