If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
