I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
