WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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