my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
