I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
