I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
