non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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