Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
