First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
