I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
