I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
