Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
