R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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