I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
