I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
