He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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