id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
