I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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