Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
