I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
