apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
