Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
