boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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