Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
