college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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