You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
