you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
