Your face is a jimmy john
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize