I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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