im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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