i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
