he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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