he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Boobs speak an international language.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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