i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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