Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
