So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
