I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
