I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
