Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
