If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize