I wish I could punch you in the face.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
