I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
